The Monthly Horoscope

Prognostications of Unerring Accuracy, uniquely fashioned to apply to everyone who knows how to discern their hidden meaning before it is too late and taking advantage of the special powers of many yet undiscovered planets, stars and galaxies, The Bite Me Horoscope is updated whenever unexpected and totally surprising astronomical events.

April 2005

With Neptune having turned the other cheek and busy with declensions of unnatural verbs and Mars on parboil and in the grip of the Nasonex galaxy, things are looking up for you in a big way.  Years of hard work and unwavering devotion to the purity of the Physik may not have paid off, but you can still count on becoming fabulously wealthy in the next few days, all the result of a chance meeting with a person who claims to have known you many years ago (even though you can’t remember where or when) and who presents you with an obviously improbable business opportunity of a lifetime, guaranteed to produce riches beyond your wildest imagination and a small cottage in the woods. 

And, if your birthday happens to fall in this month, things will be even better, because for only a small additional charge, you will receive not one but two sets of kitchen appliances of the kind favored by many European chefs.

So, immediately start spending with wild abandon on anything and everything.  Explain to your colleagues that you are much too rich and much too important to waste any more time with them and that their efforts pale in contrast to the work you could have done, even when a bit loaded, if you wanted to bother with it.  The days of recalcitrant equations, exploding wallpaper and complex variables are over.  Consider every member of the opposite gender to be your personal and private petting zoo, pointing out to any and all with the nerve to complain that they should count themselves lucky to have had a few moments of your time and attention.  Stare down with steely distain those with the audacity to take offense or that attempt a poke at you with a sharp stick and, if it strikes your fancy, show them one or two of your special martial arts moves while wearing a beret.  If that fails to stop them cold, give them a tango step or two while wearing high-top basketball shoes or boots made in Maine. 

This is your time and there is nothing like basking in a blaze of glory so do not permit anyone to get too close with a syringe full of Haldol.